FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
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doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?