warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.