Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
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Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.