the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
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Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
One of the best
Who did it better?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.