I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
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Kentucky names the shit out of places
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
The Backseat Boys
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.