imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
You Might Also Like
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me