The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
He wanted to make sure😂
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.