weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
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5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
nice challenge
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
dutch is not a serious language
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*