CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
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If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.