I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
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“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??