ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.