My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
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How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game