“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
How did we not see this back then?
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.