“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
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My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.