Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
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Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
accurate
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.