Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
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I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
no
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.