Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
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That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.