Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
doing some research
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
It was worth a shot 😂
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”