“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit