Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
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My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.