Birds & Planes.
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses