I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
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CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings