I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Saw online –
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
#Caturday
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
my mom making me talk to relatives
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??