Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.