[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
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Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.