“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
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Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine