My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
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me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.