Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
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I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I was bored.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Follow me for more life hacks.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.