psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
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14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*