To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
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Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times