My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along