I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
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I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I bet birds love this building.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
ouch
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
me when I see my crush
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
In Russia, Pokemon find you.