In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
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Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no