Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
There is wisdom there.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.