My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
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Customize Your Wedding.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder