Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
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Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I didn’t come here to be called names
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel