Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
This probably isn’t good