Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents