[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
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teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!