Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place