DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
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What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
pictures of spider-man
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.