God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Challenge accepted.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.