Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
You Might Also Like
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
need a new bf mines broken 😐
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
huge if true: the moon
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.