I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Midwest trash talk
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)