[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
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Barbie gone wild
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long