Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”