Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Ironic
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.