If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
i meant to share this earlier
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.