Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
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[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
The news in a nutshell.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.