Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
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Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock